By Zen Vuong

Dear Zen,

I've been dating a girl for two years. and she's talking about marriage. I enjoy her company but am not ready to take the plunge. I don't want to let her go yet. How can I placate her without imprisoning myself?

—Bachelor for Life 



Dear Bachelor,

The Good: Girls are like milk; they come with an expiration date. Most girls want to wed before they’re thirty for various reasons. Biologically, a woman is born with hundreds of thousands of eggs in her ovaries. Her body is incapable of producing new eggs. As she ages, her eggs mature with her. The chances of getting a handicapped bundle of pain are higher after the big 3-0. On a less rational level, some people believe women bloom in their twenties and decompose soon thereafter. Thus, women need to attract a honeybee before D-day. You say you don’t want to let your girlfriend go yet. Does that mean you will eventually drop her when a hottie flicks some attention your way? Does that mean you can’t be bothered being a courtier because the older, balder, and fatter you will have a hard time on the dating scene? If so, stop being selfish. Release your lady friend before she turns into a hopeless Old Maid. Spoiled milk doesn’t do anybody good.

The Bad: What’s with girls and nesting? Don’t make any rash decisions based on inefficient data. Take your lady friend out for a romantic date—but not too romantic because she’ll think that she’s won her proposal—and effuse amour. Reminisce over the past, talk about your blissful present and discuss the future in the abstract. Make plans for a weekend holiday and talk about your career goals. Display an ambition that will ensure a comfortable or affluent future. Your girlfriend may not be ready for marriage; she just wants to make sure that she’s the one (that is destined to snore next to you for the rest of your restless nights). Direct her with a lighthouse of a promise, but don’t commit yourself to anything you’ll regret.

The Ugly: Who does Miss Thang think she is to place demands on your future? Doesn’t she realize she’s simply a very long one night stand? You would have kicked her to the curb ages ago, but her bedroom athleticism has retained her starting position. Even so, you often use alternates. Sounds like it’s time to let her catch you in bed with one of her hottest alternates. Okay, now that you’re done fantasizing and stroking your ego, let’s be realistic. Your lady friend may not be perfect but she’s probably the best you’ll get. You’re lucky she wants to marry you. You could dump her and be a bachelor for life, but as your circle of friends thins out like the hair on your head, you’ll realize a life of drinking and socializing at parties, clubs and bars is pretty meaningless. Don’t lose the girl or your old friends. Don’t be the middle-aged perv who unsuccessfully tries to camouflage at hipster hangouts. Commit yourself. Win a free maid and cook.

Post your comments below, or ask Zen your relationship question at post@bloc.no.